On past experience and self-sabotaging the future
Dispelling the stories you tell yourself.
One of the things that failure tries to ingrain in our hearts is the aversion to it and the need to play safe.
Recollecting my first failed job and how much I had hoped and was happy to pivot my career - that failed experience scared me as I sought other ways to compensate for the experience. I went above and beyond trying to level up on what I thought the lapses were, but that wasn’t enough to stop me from doubting my abilities. In retrospect, none of it was my fault, it was just a case of starting out on the wrong foot.
If anyone has either job hunted or applied for graduate school, rejections can be extra hard to deal with. It is a painful experience as you start doubting yourself. Many people then choose the path of least resistance and settle for crumbs to avoid further rejections.
When we experience heartbreak, for whatever reasons, in a bid to become self-conscious and protecting of one’s space, we find ourselves rejecting the idea of trying again. It can come in form of male ego, seeking subtle power play and avoiding ambitious partner. Another way we do this is not trying to punch above our weight.
Hear me out. We know growth comes from charting new territories. The scale of human innovation wouldn’t have been this massive without some people moving out of what they considered their comfort zone. This belief system could only do one thing for us which is supercharge our rise, as long as we are true to ourselves.
Another reason we abhor rejections is the belief that our self-worth is tied to our acceptance through the eye of other people instead of our self-awareness. I have sometimes talked myself out of applying for a job or asking someone I would love to date out because I keep coming up with an excuse that impedes me.
This can also be in the form of going back to where you are familiar with instead of embracing uncertainty and charting a new course. Growth is less often in our comfort zone and we must be very positive about the future to bend it to our way (Read more on Reality Distortion Field). Losing a job or having a failed relationship should not take away our essence. We are much bigger than checkboxes to be ticked. It’s not surprising that for over one year of funemployment; I managed to do feats that were unimaginable 2-3 years ago. I now have no iota of doubt about my aspirations and capabilities.
One of the things I've come to admire about achievers is their bias towards actions and preparedness. The worst that can happen when you ask someone out or applied for a new job is to get a No. This is a minimal downside compared to the upside. A yes, could lead to marriage, kids, a new family, a new way of life, a new salary, new connections, new experiences, etc.
Excuses are what they are, and it is important to be comfortable asking why whenever we are trying to create one. I have read many biographies and watched many people do what I would also love to do. I realize that our limit is due to tolerance level for embracing new challenges. So if you have a role you have been putting down because you feel you are not qualified enough or someone you want to ask out; take this as a sign that you are good enough. Go for it and share the testimony when the result is (are) out.
Wishing you guys a great week and I hope you share this widely!
Extra on reality distortion field
Please stop hoarding my newsletter to yourself, share wide, comment, and send feedback. Looking forward to welcoming new readers.
Thank you Rildwan.
If I have a message for my 24 yo self leaving the university with my self-esteem battered, it has to be this. This is the point I subscribe!